I know that in the human race it is a difficult concept to grasp that change can happen, that people that have hurt us or hurt themselves can really make life change and become a better person, but I am here to tell you that it is possible and can happen, but only through God and with his constant help.

I have done lots of things in this life that I am not proud of and become a person I never thought I would be, but our wonderful heavenly father broke me. He brought me to my rock bottom and was there to pick up my shattered life. I am a changed person and its wonderful, but that is not why I write this today.

Encouragement is the theme for this blog, encouragement is what I am here to discuss, because encouragement seems to be lost in this world.
Now, don't get me wrong, the people that know me well have seen this change in me, they have seen that there has been a real and drastic mold in my heart and soul, but there are others out there that have done nothing but dismiss this life change of mine. They believe its just another person claiming change and that my decision to not drink, not smoke, and not have sex is just a phase that will break in a matter of weeks, but even if that is so why not encourage it? Why not try and make it so?

There is a difference, my friends, between keeping someone accountable for their actions and tearing them down. I want to be held accountable but I also need encouragement. Although I'm hopeful and faithful in this change, does not discount the fact that it is extremely difficult. I was very depended on the things I was going through but I have seen that there is more to this life, more that I can offer this world.

You as my fellow man, and especially my fellow believers should take this as another one of God's battles that you must fight. Encourage your fellow man, say you can do it! Don't say "we will see how long this last."

I am not only talking about myself, but everyone. Everyone need encouragement to get through the troubles they face.

Don't even know what this is...

In the last few weeks I have been wondering how in the world I will be able to articulate these thoughts and feelings that have been controlling my every thought and move. I have been dealing with so many all consuming emotions that it has been damaging every relationship in my life, and even more terrifying...damaging my future. I have been stuck in this horror that I can't seem to escape. A terror that manifest every breath I take, its almost as if I inhale this fear and exhale anger. Negativity is grabbing me by the throat and won't let go...every day getting a little tighter, making the light get dimmer and dimmer. I don't want the light to go out. I recently wrote this on the subject of fear:

"Fear is the strangest of enemies. It is compiled of all the most evil and manipulative sources of pain. Because you see, fear disguises itself in confidence. Consider the facts…as you get ready for a big day or finally have the confidence to do the one thing you've been attempting to do, suddenly a thin coat of confidence covers you ever so softly. Just letting you know its there, letting you know you can do it. Softly enough that nerves still find its way around the edges, just so you feel a little bit human. But as soon as you walk up to that big and bad day you were just confident about…fear rips your soft blanket of confidence off. Fear rips it up into pathetic little pieces on the floor and replaced is with a thick coat of terror. Suffocating your will to do the thing you so desperately need to do. Your common sense is telling you that you can still do it, but your heart is so heavy and so burdened that it feels as though nothing can ever be right again. That my friends is why fear is such a dangerous enemy. That is why fear controls my life."

I can't even pinpoint when this fear began. Though a fairly good guess would be when the greatest love I have ever felt was ripped away from me. I know most of you that don't know the details of my life are probably thinking I'm being a silly teenage girl upset over a breakup but I assure you that my pain goes far deeper. On thanksgiving day of 2010 God took my baby away from me.

I understand that it is not easy or very intelligent for an individual to have a baby at such a young age, but I want to make it very clear that from the moment that I knew I was carrying life...none of that mattered. All that mattered was I had a life, a child that I loved more then life itself. I had emotions and feelings unlike anything I had ever felt before. Unfortunately that did not change with the death of my baby. It only morphed. The intense love and emotion that I felt towards that little new life go twisted that day into the worst kind of pain I had ever felt. For days I couldn't move. I couldn't talk. I couldn't feel anything but agony. It felt as though piece of my soul was slices out, leaving me half a person. And that is how I've been living for two years. As a shell of me.

You see, sense that time my emotions have turned into something that I can't even begin to control. Fear, sadness and anger well up inside me like an ocean. It starts out so small, knocking on the door letting me know its there and I do my best to act like no one is home, but it won't let me ignore it.It rips through my walls with such force that I can physically feel it. My chest caves in and I don't know what to do. I hate everyone and everything but I can't be alone. I search for feeling or understand or peace and they do not find me. I'm lost in a forest of uncertainty and pain.

I want to be better for all of you. I want to be happy and join you in fun times and plans and get to know everyone like they deserve. Be the friend people deserve but I'm not a whole person. I'm barely a person. I don't know how to fix what has been broken and I don't know to begin.

I'm running into nothing to find whatever it is that can save me from myself.

Wishful thinking...

I was driving in the car with my older brother the other day and ranting as I usually do. So as I blabber on and on about how I hate high school and the drama that it brings you with the bitches sneakin' and the boys breakin' hearts and as I got the the end of my long and dragged out explanation that I can not wait to be out of high school do get rid of all of this insensitivity, my loving older brother turns to me and states "That doesn't pass with high school, that sticks with you". Oh wise older brother, couldn't you have just LIED TO ME! Honestly, the wishful thinking that one day I would be rid of this insanity and live a wonderful and happy life married with children and laugh as my children go through that same thing. I would help them through it and assure them that this to shall pass, but now what do I do? Be dishonest and let them keep that hope? Or shatter there wishful thinking as my wonderful older brother so kindly did to me. Ohhhh dangerous wishful thinking...

Forever Young...

So many things look so bright when you are a child. So many ambitions that still look plausible. So many dreams to go after. Why is it that when those dreams are closer in reach that we stop believing in them? Why is it that when you have the opportunity to have a cup refilled that it starts to look half empty?
For so long I thought that I didn't have a proper childhood, that I grew up to fast, but the truth is...it was my fault. I never wanted to be a kid. I wanted to be that person who was forced to grow up too soon and would have an amazing story to tell when they conquer all the troubles in there lives, but I have a great life. I had a wonderful family that loved me. I had friends that didn't care. And most importantly...I didn't care. I didn't care what the latest "Fashion" statement was. I didn't care if a boy looked at me and thought "Wow she is amazing". I was just me. I climbed trees. I danced. I sang at the top of my lungs. But now...Now I care. Now I wonder if people are talking about me, I wonder if I am doing all I can to impress someone. I wonder so much that I stop doing all of the things that I love. All of the things that keep me young. I want them back. I want to dream. I want to see God in all of the small beauties in life. I want to notice a butterfly, and flowers. I want to be a little girl with an innocent mind that didn't know all of the tough and bad things in this life that do nothing more than to damage your soul. Why is it that we want to grow up so fast and as it begins to speed up we decide that slowing down is the right thing to do. I want my glass to be refilled. I want to run and jump and not care. I want to know what it feels like to not have the weight of the world on your shoulders, specially when you put it there yourself. All I want is to be...forever young.

Sorrow

As my eyes begin to burn, the lump in my throat grows until it seems to be chocking me. I am suffocating in sadness. The tears welled up spill over into a waterfall of salty sweet sorrow. As pain grabs my heart and soul, I try to struggle free. But the more I struggle the tighter it holds on. Oh, sorrow let me be. Find your next victim. Commit your hateful crime upon someone else. I have had enough. You take a tole on me and my loved one.


This has got to stop.

Trapped.

Lately I feel as though everyone around me is in some state of despair. There is something wrong. Now I am pretty sure everyones life at every time has something wrong with it but I feel like it is more than that. It is something that is eating them at the core. I know I may come off as a cynic most of the time but seeing the people around me getting eaten up inside is killing me. I feel like I am trapped behind an invisible wall of pain that I can't break. I want to help everyone but it seems like I just can't. No matter how hard I try to break down the barriers and create a bond with people I just can't. It is killing me not to help. I also feel like there is a wall inside myself. I can't find the one thing that is hurting me the most no matter how hard I look inside myself. I am trying to come closer to God and I feel like I am but I still feel distance. I have a good relationship but I still feel like there is something I am not seeing. I have a wonderful family but there is an under layer of pain I just can't break through. I find myself scared for those around me and myself as well. I see people walking down the street and wonder if I just knew them if I could help them in some way. The other mis-fits like me that I should be helping. People that I should be comforting. I find myself wondering if I have been to self absorbed that I have missed something along the way. I find myself scared. Scared of where my negligence may take people. My relationships. My loves. My life.


I need to find a way to break this wall.

Oh, the things...

I could be. When you are young you are going to be a million things, however, as you get older the list gets shorter...more reasonable, more responsible. I have decided I am going to keep dreaming. I am going to keep wondering. I am young enough that my what if's can still become my back thens. I am excited about the life ahead of me. I am excited to see what is in store. Will I be a dancer, singer? Will I have my perfect wedding, with the perfect groom? Will I be famous, for all the world to look at? Will I be an inspirational teacher?

Oh the things I could be! Oh the advedtures I can have! And even if my life is less than adventureous I will still know that I am what I was meant to be, and no matter what I am GOING to make a difference. Weather it be through someone else or by my own works.

My difference may be small, it may be life changing. Maybe I will even save the world.
But as long as I do something, become someone I will be everything I have ever dreamed.

I will be Anna Leigh Monk. The girl who lived life for everything it could be. Who loved through hurt, happiness, bumpy road, and smooth. Who helped and hurt. Who did everything she set her mind to.

I will be me. And I am SO excited.