Wishful thinking...

I was driving in the car with my older brother the other day and ranting as I usually do. So as I blabber on and on about how I hate high school and the drama that it brings you with the bitches sneakin' and the boys breakin' hearts and as I got the the end of my long and dragged out explanation that I can not wait to be out of high school do get rid of all of this insensitivity, my loving older brother turns to me and states "That doesn't pass with high school, that sticks with you". Oh wise older brother, couldn't you have just LIED TO ME! Honestly, the wishful thinking that one day I would be rid of this insanity and live a wonderful and happy life married with children and laugh as my children go through that same thing. I would help them through it and assure them that this to shall pass, but now what do I do? Be dishonest and let them keep that hope? Or shatter there wishful thinking as my wonderful older brother so kindly did to me. Ohhhh dangerous wishful thinking...

Forever Young...

So many things look so bright when you are a child. So many ambitions that still look plausible. So many dreams to go after. Why is it that when those dreams are closer in reach that we stop believing in them? Why is it that when you have the opportunity to have a cup refilled that it starts to look half empty?
For so long I thought that I didn't have a proper childhood, that I grew up to fast, but the truth is...it was my fault. I never wanted to be a kid. I wanted to be that person who was forced to grow up too soon and would have an amazing story to tell when they conquer all the troubles in there lives, but I have a great life. I had a wonderful family that loved me. I had friends that didn't care. And most importantly...I didn't care. I didn't care what the latest "Fashion" statement was. I didn't care if a boy looked at me and thought "Wow she is amazing". I was just me. I climbed trees. I danced. I sang at the top of my lungs. But now...Now I care. Now I wonder if people are talking about me, I wonder if I am doing all I can to impress someone. I wonder so much that I stop doing all of the things that I love. All of the things that keep me young. I want them back. I want to dream. I want to see God in all of the small beauties in life. I want to notice a butterfly, and flowers. I want to be a little girl with an innocent mind that didn't know all of the tough and bad things in this life that do nothing more than to damage your soul. Why is it that we want to grow up so fast and as it begins to speed up we decide that slowing down is the right thing to do. I want my glass to be refilled. I want to run and jump and not care. I want to know what it feels like to not have the weight of the world on your shoulders, specially when you put it there yourself. All I want is to be...forever young.

Sorrow

As my eyes begin to burn, the lump in my throat grows until it seems to be chocking me. I am suffocating in sadness. The tears welled up spill over into a waterfall of salty sweet sorrow. As pain grabs my heart and soul, I try to struggle free. But the more I struggle the tighter it holds on. Oh, sorrow let me be. Find your next victim. Commit your hateful crime upon someone else. I have had enough. You take a tole on me and my loved one.


This has got to stop.

Trapped.

Lately I feel as though everyone around me is in some state of despair. There is something wrong. Now I am pretty sure everyones life at every time has something wrong with it but I feel like it is more than that. It is something that is eating them at the core. I know I may come off as a cynic most of the time but seeing the people around me getting eaten up inside is killing me. I feel like I am trapped behind an invisible wall of pain that I can't break. I want to help everyone but it seems like I just can't. No matter how hard I try to break down the barriers and create a bond with people I just can't. It is killing me not to help. I also feel like there is a wall inside myself. I can't find the one thing that is hurting me the most no matter how hard I look inside myself. I am trying to come closer to God and I feel like I am but I still feel distance. I have a good relationship but I still feel like there is something I am not seeing. I have a wonderful family but there is an under layer of pain I just can't break through. I find myself scared for those around me and myself as well. I see people walking down the street and wonder if I just knew them if I could help them in some way. The other mis-fits like me that I should be helping. People that I should be comforting. I find myself wondering if I have been to self absorbed that I have missed something along the way. I find myself scared. Scared of where my negligence may take people. My relationships. My loves. My life.


I need to find a way to break this wall.

Oh, the things...

I could be. When you are young you are going to be a million things, however, as you get older the list gets shorter...more reasonable, more responsible. I have decided I am going to keep dreaming. I am going to keep wondering. I am young enough that my what if's can still become my back thens. I am excited about the life ahead of me. I am excited to see what is in store. Will I be a dancer, singer? Will I have my perfect wedding, with the perfect groom? Will I be famous, for all the world to look at? Will I be an inspirational teacher?

Oh the things I could be! Oh the advedtures I can have! And even if my life is less than adventureous I will still know that I am what I was meant to be, and no matter what I am GOING to make a difference. Weather it be through someone else or by my own works.

My difference may be small, it may be life changing. Maybe I will even save the world.
But as long as I do something, become someone I will be everything I have ever dreamed.

I will be Anna Leigh Monk. The girl who lived life for everything it could be. Who loved through hurt, happiness, bumpy road, and smooth. Who helped and hurt. Who did everything she set her mind to.

I will be me. And I am SO excited.

point of view...

is a funny thing. Because one person could see a situation in one way and another in a completly different way. Now both parties would never back down and say that maybe, just maybe they were wrong. So it is a never ending fight that will never get better.

I have tried and tried to understand the point of view of the person that got me pissed enough to write this blog. But I will never understand how he could be so caring to those he doesn't know, but so hateful to those that should matter the most.

From where I stood for most of my childhood he was my hero, my partner. He was my safty net. But all that doesn't seem to matter and I wonder if it ever truely did.

All of those times, all of those memories, all of that love. Gone. Lost in a world of late nights and talk of theologigal nonsense. Lost in repeat after repeat of the same failed episode. Will he ever get the picture? Will he ever see that maybe it just won't work out and he should try to work towards making it right with the people that try and try to give him chance after chance.

I have tried to keep looking over it. But I don't think I can anymore. Because I can NOT continue to get hurt over and over. I will not become cold hearted to love. I will not become him.

the supernatural...

can be a very scary and amazing thing. There is so much going on in the world hidden to the human eye. There is a battle out there and we only experiance bits and pieces. I don't konw much about it, but I know it's out there and it's powerful...

God is working, and he is working hard. Along with his army. And his enemy...

It is a scary place and a scary time. But it also is an amazing thing.