Friday, October 26, 2012

Don't even know what this is...

In the last few weeks I have been wondering how in the world I will be able to articulate these thoughts and feelings that have been controlling my every thought and move. I have been dealing with so many all consuming emotions that it has been damaging every relationship in my life, and even more terrifying...damaging my future. I have been stuck in this horror that I can't seem to escape. A terror that manifest every breath I take, its almost as if I inhale this fear and exhale anger. Negativity is grabbing me by the throat and won't let go...every day getting a little tighter, making the light get dimmer and dimmer. I don't want the light to go out. I recently wrote this on the subject of fear:

"Fear is the strangest of enemies. It is compiled of all the most evil and manipulative sources of pain. Because you see, fear disguises itself in confidence. Consider the facts…as you get ready for a big day or finally have the confidence to do the one thing you've been attempting to do, suddenly a thin coat of confidence covers you ever so softly. Just letting you know its there, letting you know you can do it. Softly enough that nerves still find its way around the edges, just so you feel a little bit human. But as soon as you walk up to that big and bad day you were just confident about…fear rips your soft blanket of confidence off. Fear rips it up into pathetic little pieces on the floor and replaced is with a thick coat of terror. Suffocating your will to do the thing you so desperately need to do. Your common sense is telling you that you can still do it, but your heart is so heavy and so burdened that it feels as though nothing can ever be right again. That my friends is why fear is such a dangerous enemy. That is why fear controls my life."

I can't even pinpoint when this fear began. Though a fairly good guess would be when the greatest love I have ever felt was ripped away from me. I know most of you that don't know the details of my life are probably thinking I'm being a silly teenage girl upset over a breakup but I assure you that my pain goes far deeper. On thanksgiving day of 2010 God took my baby away from me.

I understand that it is not easy or very intelligent for an individual to have a baby at such a young age, but I want to make it very clear that from the moment that I knew I was carrying life...none of that mattered. All that mattered was I had a life, a child that I loved more then life itself. I had emotions and feelings unlike anything I had ever felt before. Unfortunately that did not change with the death of my baby. It only morphed. The intense love and emotion that I felt towards that little new life go twisted that day into the worst kind of pain I had ever felt. For days I couldn't move. I couldn't talk. I couldn't feel anything but agony. It felt as though piece of my soul was slices out, leaving me half a person. And that is how I've been living for two years. As a shell of me.

You see, sense that time my emotions have turned into something that I can't even begin to control. Fear, sadness and anger well up inside me like an ocean. It starts out so small, knocking on the door letting me know its there and I do my best to act like no one is home, but it won't let me ignore it.It rips through my walls with such force that I can physically feel it. My chest caves in and I don't know what to do. I hate everyone and everything but I can't be alone. I search for feeling or understand or peace and they do not find me. I'm lost in a forest of uncertainty and pain.

I want to be better for all of you. I want to be happy and join you in fun times and plans and get to know everyone like they deserve. Be the friend people deserve but I'm not a whole person. I'm barely a person. I don't know how to fix what has been broken and I don't know to begin.

I'm running into nothing to find whatever it is that can save me from myself.