Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Holy cow you guys...

I feel like I need to clarify a few things. First of all, I'm not "newly gay" I didn't "turn gay" and I didn't "decide" to be gay. I've always been gay. Secondly, I'm not gay because some guy broke my heart and I've decided to spite them by liking girls. Its because I like girls. Also, I've decided that gay is probably the wrong thing to identify as, however bisexual sounds like lying. I do believe that my natural inclination is towards women. Always has been, probably always will be. However I think that "queer" is probably a better way to put it.

You see, I believe that you will find love without the barriers of gender. I don't think that it has anything to do with what you've got below your belt it has to do with your heart. I'm not niave enough to say that I will never love a man or fall in love with one because I can't say that with 100% certanty. I just know that I look at women and I'm like "Wow you're pretty and soft and I'd like to date you"
But I will admit that I have looked at boys and been like "Damn, that's a nice beard lets get coffee."
I'm going to fall in love with whoever I do. Whoever can accept all aspects of me.
I just felt like it was important to come out because I felt like it was important to be completely honest with everyone who says they care about me.
So anyway. I know this isn't one of my more elegant blogs but I felt like it needed to be said.
So long story short, I'm still me. Nothing has changed. I've always like girls. I've always like people.

P.S. Bi-hate needs to stop. Not only from the straight community but from the gay community. Like back off.

Holy cow you guys...

Saturday, September 14, 2013

here goes...

I don't really know how the reaction of this blog is going to go because most of you already know this, but the ones that don't were been kept in the dark for a reason, but my concern can no longer be for you. I'll start with just saying it: I'm gay.

Now for the explanation for any of you that may be confused. Growing up I always knew I was romantically and physically attracted to woman, but as most of you know I was also raised in a very religious household. Due to the way I was raised I pushed down those feelings as far as I could because I thought there was no way that was the right way to feel and I felt like I would never be loved if I chose to feel that way. Like many in my position I was scared and confused.
However that didn't change my desire for love and affection so I dove into relationship after relationship all failing drastically because I always felt like something was missing and so I would do something to screw it up and move on to the next one no time flat. In doing so i made many mistakes and hurt many people and most of all I hurt myself.
Now still heavily believing in God and in doing so I thought I had to believe the way I felt was wrong I decided that maybe the right thing to do was not date at all and spend time getting to know myself and christ but what I have discovered was not what I thought Id find at all. I found that the only way I am truly going to be happy with myself and not be lonely was to be honest. I have always prided myself on my honesty but I have buried my true self for years out of fear, and I just can't do that any longer. This may not be a shock to most of you, but it will come to a shock to some and even a heart break to others. All I ask is that you continue to love me because I am the same girl you've always known, and if you can't love me now…then you never really did.

So here is to a fresh start of me being my complete self. I will love whoever it is that I fall in love with, and I am determined to be happy.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Words are...

and underrated and overused tool and weapon. I in my life have always had all of these words flouting and whirling through the ocean that is my brain and I never and probably will never know how to put them in the right order to convey exactly what it is that my heart is saying...

But I do try.

Through my short but big life I have always hated surface conversation. Standing around in a circle at church, or school, or a party talking about the latest television show or how the weather has been acting lately has always drove me to a point of insanity because it doesn't MEAN anything. You are using and wasting all of these beautifully formulated words to discuss a dull topic that will not change the course of humanity or smaller but in my mind more importantly change they way one person sees something. Because my friends you must understand, one persons train of thought and attitude towards life CAN change the world. You never know who you are insulting and what that insult can stifle. Or what that insult can grow into. But more importantly what a beautiful and kind word can do. What a wonderful and well thought out phrase can do. What a conversation about ones soul while looking into their eyes can create.

I always try and dig beneath the surface conversations and ask the difficult questions. Or say the thing on everyones mind that no one seems to want to articulate and I seem to get outcast for it. I get called a silly little girl with to much time on her hands. A child that doesn't know anything. Yes it intrigues for a time, no one can believe such a worthless little creature is expressing herself in such great detail to virtually anyone...but then it get olds. And it gets tangled. And it dies. And then I become someone no one wants to talk to, because if you were to ask me "How are you"

I. Will. Answer.