Tuesday, May 6, 2014

The shaming of young mothers and wives...

I don't know if I will be able to put this as thoughtfully and eloquently as it is in my head, but I will give it a shot.

Ever sense I could remember when someone asked me what I wanted to be, or what I wanted to do when I grew up, I always answered with "Get married and have children" and I always got a negative response.

People assume that because someone is young they couldn't possibly know that they want to get married, let alone have children but I think this is so silly. This idea that we should shame young mothers and young wives needs to end. I understand that if you're in highschool or even college and get pregnant on accident that it can be very difficult and there will always be challenges to both marriage and children but I don't believe that just because you're younger than 30 that it should be so outlandish to want that life.

On the topic of marriage: The first thing that people about young people getting married is that they will be a different person in a few years, and you know what? That is absolutely true. But that statement will still be true no matter what age you are when you get married. Whether you are 20, 40 or 60 you will be a different person in a few years than you are today. The thing about choosing your life partner is that you will love EVERY person that they become.

I do not personally believe that there is one "soul mate" for all of us out there. I believe that we find our intimate partners by a delicate balance of emotional connection/personality, physical attraction and the presence/aura of another person. I think there are hundreds upon hundred of people that can match up and fall in love and live happily ever after and I think that if you get married you will fall in and out of love a million times over. The thing about marriage is that you are making a promise to be with them through the hard times, even through the times it feels like there is no love left. Marriage will not always feel like the butterflies in your stomach, sometimes it will be an ache in your chest. SO if you feel like you're ready to make that commitment, then your age shouldn't have to be taken into account.

On the topic of babies: I'm saying this from a perspective of someone who does not currently have a living child, so before you say anything like 'You have no idea what its like to have a child." or "You have no idea the kind of responsibility it takes to raise a baby" I get that. I do.

But coming from someone who had it so close in her grasp and lost it. I do 100% know that I want a baby. I always have and after losing my own I know now more than ever.

Being a mother is something that I believe I was born to do. I'm not saying I believe I should have one know or that I'll ever be ready because I don't think anyone is ever really ready for that kind of thing but I do know that its something I am so passionate about and something I want so badly, so you can imagine how hurtful it is to me that whenever I share this information with someone I get nothing but negative feedback, more so after I came out as lesbian. Constantly being told that I don't know what I want, that I would be throwing my life away, that I would be damaging a child but how dare you say that having a beautiful new life would be throwing anything away or that my love would damage a child. Nothing in this world, no amount of money, no man or woman, no dream career could ever come close to the happiness of having a child. I still have a pain in my chest everytime I see a child that would be my baby's age or a new born like the one I never got to hold. I know that one day I'll have my day and I really hope that people would stop shaming the young for wanting what they want.

I don't really know that I got my thoughts out the way that I wanted to but I had to try because it has been bothering me a lot lately.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Holy cow you guys...

I feel like I need to clarify a few things. First of all, I'm not "newly gay" I didn't "turn gay" and I didn't "decide" to be gay. I've always been gay. Secondly, I'm not gay because some guy broke my heart and I've decided to spite them by liking girls. Its because I like girls. Also, I've decided that gay is probably the wrong thing to identify as, however bisexual sounds like lying. I do believe that my natural inclination is towards women. Always has been, probably always will be. However I think that "queer" is probably a better way to put it.

You see, I believe that you will find love without the barriers of gender. I don't think that it has anything to do with what you've got below your belt it has to do with your heart. I'm not niave enough to say that I will never love a man or fall in love with one because I can't say that with 100% certanty. I just know that I look at women and I'm like "Wow you're pretty and soft and I'd like to date you"
But I will admit that I have looked at boys and been like "Damn, that's a nice beard lets get coffee."
I'm going to fall in love with whoever I do. Whoever can accept all aspects of me.
I just felt like it was important to come out because I felt like it was important to be completely honest with everyone who says they care about me.
So anyway. I know this isn't one of my more elegant blogs but I felt like it needed to be said.
So long story short, I'm still me. Nothing has changed. I've always like girls. I've always like people.

P.S. Bi-hate needs to stop. Not only from the straight community but from the gay community. Like back off.

Holy cow you guys...

Saturday, September 14, 2013

here goes...

I don't really know how the reaction of this blog is going to go because most of you already know this, but the ones that don't were been kept in the dark for a reason, but my concern can no longer be for you. I'll start with just saying it: I'm gay.

Now for the explanation for any of you that may be confused. Growing up I always knew I was romantically and physically attracted to woman, but as most of you know I was also raised in a very religious household. Due to the way I was raised I pushed down those feelings as far as I could because I thought there was no way that was the right way to feel and I felt like I would never be loved if I chose to feel that way. Like many in my position I was scared and confused.
However that didn't change my desire for love and affection so I dove into relationship after relationship all failing drastically because I always felt like something was missing and so I would do something to screw it up and move on to the next one no time flat. In doing so i made many mistakes and hurt many people and most of all I hurt myself.
Now still heavily believing in God and in doing so I thought I had to believe the way I felt was wrong I decided that maybe the right thing to do was not date at all and spend time getting to know myself and christ but what I have discovered was not what I thought Id find at all. I found that the only way I am truly going to be happy with myself and not be lonely was to be honest. I have always prided myself on my honesty but I have buried my true self for years out of fear, and I just can't do that any longer. This may not be a shock to most of you, but it will come to a shock to some and even a heart break to others. All I ask is that you continue to love me because I am the same girl you've always known, and if you can't love me now…then you never really did.

So here is to a fresh start of me being my complete self. I will love whoever it is that I fall in love with, and I am determined to be happy.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Words are...

and underrated and overused tool and weapon. I in my life have always had all of these words flouting and whirling through the ocean that is my brain and I never and probably will never know how to put them in the right order to convey exactly what it is that my heart is saying...

But I do try.

Through my short but big life I have always hated surface conversation. Standing around in a circle at church, or school, or a party talking about the latest television show or how the weather has been acting lately has always drove me to a point of insanity because it doesn't MEAN anything. You are using and wasting all of these beautifully formulated words to discuss a dull topic that will not change the course of humanity or smaller but in my mind more importantly change they way one person sees something. Because my friends you must understand, one persons train of thought and attitude towards life CAN change the world. You never know who you are insulting and what that insult can stifle. Or what that insult can grow into. But more importantly what a beautiful and kind word can do. What a wonderful and well thought out phrase can do. What a conversation about ones soul while looking into their eyes can create.

I always try and dig beneath the surface conversations and ask the difficult questions. Or say the thing on everyones mind that no one seems to want to articulate and I seem to get outcast for it. I get called a silly little girl with to much time on her hands. A child that doesn't know anything. Yes it intrigues for a time, no one can believe such a worthless little creature is expressing herself in such great detail to virtually anyone...but then it get olds. And it gets tangled. And it dies. And then I become someone no one wants to talk to, because if you were to ask me "How are you"

I. Will. Answer.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

I know that in the human race it is a difficult concept to grasp that change can happen, that people that have hurt us or hurt themselves can really make life change and become a better person, but I am here to tell you that it is possible and can happen, but only through God and with his constant help.

I have done lots of things in this life that I am not proud of and become a person I never thought I would be, but our wonderful heavenly father broke me. He brought me to my rock bottom and was there to pick up my shattered life. I am a changed person and its wonderful, but that is not why I write this today.

Encouragement is the theme for this blog, encouragement is what I am here to discuss, because encouragement seems to be lost in this world.
Now, don't get me wrong, the people that know me well have seen this change in me, they have seen that there has been a real and drastic mold in my heart and soul, but there are others out there that have done nothing but dismiss this life change of mine. They believe its just another person claiming change and that my decision to not drink, not smoke, and not have sex is just a phase that will break in a matter of weeks, but even if that is so why not encourage it? Why not try and make it so?

There is a difference, my friends, between keeping someone accountable for their actions and tearing them down. I want to be held accountable but I also need encouragement. Although I'm hopeful and faithful in this change, does not discount the fact that it is extremely difficult. I was very depended on the things I was going through but I have seen that there is more to this life, more that I can offer this world.

You as my fellow man, and especially my fellow believers should take this as another one of God's battles that you must fight. Encourage your fellow man, say you can do it! Don't say "we will see how long this last."

I am not only talking about myself, but everyone. Everyone need encouragement to get through the troubles they face.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Don't even know what this is...

In the last few weeks I have been wondering how in the world I will be able to articulate these thoughts and feelings that have been controlling my every thought and move. I have been dealing with so many all consuming emotions that it has been damaging every relationship in my life, and even more terrifying...damaging my future. I have been stuck in this horror that I can't seem to escape. A terror that manifest every breath I take, its almost as if I inhale this fear and exhale anger. Negativity is grabbing me by the throat and won't let go...every day getting a little tighter, making the light get dimmer and dimmer. I don't want the light to go out. I recently wrote this on the subject of fear:

"Fear is the strangest of enemies. It is compiled of all the most evil and manipulative sources of pain. Because you see, fear disguises itself in confidence. Consider the facts…as you get ready for a big day or finally have the confidence to do the one thing you've been attempting to do, suddenly a thin coat of confidence covers you ever so softly. Just letting you know its there, letting you know you can do it. Softly enough that nerves still find its way around the edges, just so you feel a little bit human. But as soon as you walk up to that big and bad day you were just confident about…fear rips your soft blanket of confidence off. Fear rips it up into pathetic little pieces on the floor and replaced is with a thick coat of terror. Suffocating your will to do the thing you so desperately need to do. Your common sense is telling you that you can still do it, but your heart is so heavy and so burdened that it feels as though nothing can ever be right again. That my friends is why fear is such a dangerous enemy. That is why fear controls my life."

I can't even pinpoint when this fear began. Though a fairly good guess would be when the greatest love I have ever felt was ripped away from me. I know most of you that don't know the details of my life are probably thinking I'm being a silly teenage girl upset over a breakup but I assure you that my pain goes far deeper. On thanksgiving day of 2010 God took my baby away from me.

I understand that it is not easy or very intelligent for an individual to have a baby at such a young age, but I want to make it very clear that from the moment that I knew I was carrying life...none of that mattered. All that mattered was I had a life, a child that I loved more then life itself. I had emotions and feelings unlike anything I had ever felt before. Unfortunately that did not change with the death of my baby. It only morphed. The intense love and emotion that I felt towards that little new life go twisted that day into the worst kind of pain I had ever felt. For days I couldn't move. I couldn't talk. I couldn't feel anything but agony. It felt as though piece of my soul was slices out, leaving me half a person. And that is how I've been living for two years. As a shell of me.

You see, sense that time my emotions have turned into something that I can't even begin to control. Fear, sadness and anger well up inside me like an ocean. It starts out so small, knocking on the door letting me know its there and I do my best to act like no one is home, but it won't let me ignore it.It rips through my walls with such force that I can physically feel it. My chest caves in and I don't know what to do. I hate everyone and everything but I can't be alone. I search for feeling or understand or peace and they do not find me. I'm lost in a forest of uncertainty and pain.

I want to be better for all of you. I want to be happy and join you in fun times and plans and get to know everyone like they deserve. Be the friend people deserve but I'm not a whole person. I'm barely a person. I don't know how to fix what has been broken and I don't know to begin.

I'm running into nothing to find whatever it is that can save me from myself.