Sunday, December 16, 2012
I have done lots of things in this life that I am not proud of and become a person I never thought I would be, but our wonderful heavenly father broke me. He brought me to my rock bottom and was there to pick up my shattered life. I am a changed person and its wonderful, but that is not why I write this today.
Encouragement is the theme for this blog, encouragement is what I am here to discuss, because encouragement seems to be lost in this world.
Now, don't get me wrong, the people that know me well have seen this change in me, they have seen that there has been a real and drastic mold in my heart and soul, but there are others out there that have done nothing but dismiss this life change of mine. They believe its just another person claiming change and that my decision to not drink, not smoke, and not have sex is just a phase that will break in a matter of weeks, but even if that is so why not encourage it? Why not try and make it so?
There is a difference, my friends, between keeping someone accountable for their actions and tearing them down. I want to be held accountable but I also need encouragement. Although I'm hopeful and faithful in this change, does not discount the fact that it is extremely difficult. I was very depended on the things I was going through but I have seen that there is more to this life, more that I can offer this world.
You as my fellow man, and especially my fellow believers should take this as another one of God's battles that you must fight. Encourage your fellow man, say you can do it! Don't say "we will see how long this last."
I am not only talking about myself, but everyone. Everyone need encouragement to get through the troubles they face.
Friday, October 26, 2012
"Fear is the strangest of enemies. It is compiled of all the most evil and manipulative sources of pain. Because you see, fear disguises itself in confidence. Consider the facts…as you get ready for a big day or finally have the confidence to do the one thing you've been attempting to do, suddenly a thin coat of confidence covers you ever so softly. Just letting you know its there, letting you know you can do it. Softly enough that nerves still find its way around the edges, just so you feel a little bit human. But as soon as you walk up to that big and bad day you were just confident about…fear rips your soft blanket of confidence off. Fear rips it up into pathetic little pieces on the floor and replaced is with a thick coat of terror. Suffocating your will to do the thing you so desperately need to do. Your common sense is telling you that you can still do it, but your heart is so heavy and so burdened that it feels as though nothing can ever be right again. That my friends is why fear is such a dangerous enemy. That is why fear controls my life."
I can't even pinpoint when this fear began. Though a fairly good guess would be when the greatest love I have ever felt was ripped away from me. I know most of you that don't know the details of my life are probably thinking I'm being a silly teenage girl upset over a breakup but I assure you that my pain goes far deeper. On thanksgiving day of 2010 God took my baby away from me.
I understand that it is not easy or very intelligent for an individual to have a baby at such a young age, but I want to make it very clear that from the moment that I knew I was carrying life...none of that mattered. All that mattered was I had a life, a child that I loved more then life itself. I had emotions and feelings unlike anything I had ever felt before. Unfortunately that did not change with the death of my baby. It only morphed. The intense love and emotion that I felt towards that little new life go twisted that day into the worst kind of pain I had ever felt. For days I couldn't move. I couldn't talk. I couldn't feel anything but agony. It felt as though piece of my soul was slices out, leaving me half a person. And that is how I've been living for two years. As a shell of me.
You see, sense that time my emotions have turned into something that I can't even begin to control. Fear, sadness and anger well up inside me like an ocean. It starts out so small, knocking on the door letting me know its there and I do my best to act like no one is home, but it won't let me ignore it.It rips through my walls with such force that I can physically feel it. My chest caves in and I don't know what to do. I hate everyone and everything but I can't be alone. I search for feeling or understand or peace and they do not find me. I'm lost in a forest of uncertainty and pain.
I want to be better for all of you. I want to be happy and join you in fun times and plans and get to know everyone like they deserve. Be the friend people deserve but I'm not a whole person. I'm barely a person. I don't know how to fix what has been broken and I don't know to begin.
I'm running into nothing to find whatever it is that can save me from myself.