Wishful thinking...

I was driving in the car with my older brother the other day and ranting as I usually do. So as I blabber on and on about how I hate high school and the drama that it brings you with the bitches sneakin' and the boys breakin' hearts and as I got the the end of my long and dragged out explanation that I can not wait to be out of high school do get rid of all of this insensitivity, my loving older brother turns to me and states "That doesn't pass with high school, that sticks with you". Oh wise older brother, couldn't you have just LIED TO ME! Honestly, the wishful thinking that one day I would be rid of this insanity and live a wonderful and happy life married with children and laugh as my children go through that same thing. I would help them through it and assure them that this to shall pass, but now what do I do? Be dishonest and let them keep that hope? Or shatter there wishful thinking as my wonderful older brother so kindly did to me. Ohhhh dangerous wishful thinking...

Forever Young...

So many things look so bright when you are a child. So many ambitions that still look plausible. So many dreams to go after. Why is it that when those dreams are closer in reach that we stop believing in them? Why is it that when you have the opportunity to have a cup refilled that it starts to look half empty?
For so long I thought that I didn't have a proper childhood, that I grew up to fast, but the truth is...it was my fault. I never wanted to be a kid. I wanted to be that person who was forced to grow up too soon and would have an amazing story to tell when they conquer all the troubles in there lives, but I have a great life. I had a wonderful family that loved me. I had friends that didn't care. And most importantly...I didn't care. I didn't care what the latest "Fashion" statement was. I didn't care if a boy looked at me and thought "Wow she is amazing". I was just me. I climbed trees. I danced. I sang at the top of my lungs. But now...Now I care. Now I wonder if people are talking about me, I wonder if I am doing all I can to impress someone. I wonder so much that I stop doing all of the things that I love. All of the things that keep me young. I want them back. I want to dream. I want to see God in all of the small beauties in life. I want to notice a butterfly, and flowers. I want to be a little girl with an innocent mind that didn't know all of the tough and bad things in this life that do nothing more than to damage your soul. Why is it that we want to grow up so fast and as it begins to speed up we decide that slowing down is the right thing to do. I want my glass to be refilled. I want to run and jump and not care. I want to know what it feels like to not have the weight of the world on your shoulders, specially when you put it there yourself. All I want is to be...forever young.

Sorrow

As my eyes begin to burn, the lump in my throat grows until it seems to be chocking me. I am suffocating in sadness. The tears welled up spill over into a waterfall of salty sweet sorrow. As pain grabs my heart and soul, I try to struggle free. But the more I struggle the tighter it holds on. Oh, sorrow let me be. Find your next victim. Commit your hateful crime upon someone else. I have had enough. You take a tole on me and my loved one.


This has got to stop.

Trapped.

Lately I feel as though everyone around me is in some state of despair. There is something wrong. Now I am pretty sure everyones life at every time has something wrong with it but I feel like it is more than that. It is something that is eating them at the core. I know I may come off as a cynic most of the time but seeing the people around me getting eaten up inside is killing me. I feel like I am trapped behind an invisible wall of pain that I can't break. I want to help everyone but it seems like I just can't. No matter how hard I try to break down the barriers and create a bond with people I just can't. It is killing me not to help. I also feel like there is a wall inside myself. I can't find the one thing that is hurting me the most no matter how hard I look inside myself. I am trying to come closer to God and I feel like I am but I still feel distance. I have a good relationship but I still feel like there is something I am not seeing. I have a wonderful family but there is an under layer of pain I just can't break through. I find myself scared for those around me and myself as well. I see people walking down the street and wonder if I just knew them if I could help them in some way. The other mis-fits like me that I should be helping. People that I should be comforting. I find myself wondering if I have been to self absorbed that I have missed something along the way. I find myself scared. Scared of where my negligence may take people. My relationships. My loves. My life.


I need to find a way to break this wall.